Last week we dealt with how we handle the struggles and difficulties of our own faith lives. It seems a natural extension to talk a bit about how we should go about helping others to deal with their difficulties. I want to begin by offering two observations:
1. Pity and the sentiment of “you poor dear” is not terribly helpful. It tends to enable a victimhood mentality that encourages people to descend into a self-pitying pit of despair.
2. On the other hand, the uncaring and crass sentiment of “suck it up, buttercup” will generally get you a reaction that eliminates your ability to minister to others at all.
Frankly, both of these responses have some merit. People who are going through a time of difficulty need to know that their pain is acknowledged and sympathized with. They also need to gain a bit of perspective that all pain in this life is temporary and cannot be allowed to overwhelm the human spirit.
If we wish to be truly helpful to people who are undergoing some trial we must carefully balance five things:
1. We must allow them to make their own decisions. This is assuming, of course, that this individual is a responsible adult. We all must be given the authority to make freely the choices that govern our own lives.
2. We must be careful not to manipulate others, not even “for their own good.” It may be tempting to connive someone into doing what we think is right, but we must remember that what each of us thinks is right may be wrong in the context of someone else’s life. Their circumstances and relationships are not ours and each of us must be trusted to choose our path in life.
3. We must demonstrate to others that we love them, not by words, but by actions. In the book of Job, when disaster struck, Job’s friends came and sat quietly with him. They were there for him, not that they could fix things themselves and not with a restriction on the amount of time that was needed. They were there for whatever Job needed.
4. Whatever they are going through, we have to be willing to go through it with them. Sometimes that involves danger, and it always involves sacrifice.
5. Last, we are not comfortable with silence, even when it is needed. In times of discomfort we will often feel compelled to say things to try and comfort people. Please be assured that whatever you say will probably be idiotic. Please be at peace with that. What will stick with people is the fact that you were there, what you said will matter a lot less. Even if it is completely stupid. I know. I’ve done it a lot.
In 1878, the city of Memphis Tennessee was struck by a plague of yellow fever. Over 5,000 people died in that plague. A number of Anglican priests and nuns set up a relief center in the cathedral, and they along with several doctors and one Bordello owner stayed behind to minister to the sick and dying. Of their number some ten contracted the disease and four nuns and two priests gave their lives ministering to the ill. A great many of the clergy, physicians and well-to-do fled Memphis to escape the plague. These few stayed behind and demonstrated the love of Christ to the world. We remember the Martyrs of Memphis on September 9th.
It is not easy to love people in the way that we ought to. Our Lord showed us the way. In his own life, passion and death He showed us that loving always involves giving rather than taking. And He showed us that the life we are given by God is best spent freely and generously – loving each other into the Kingdom. If you have a friend that is going through a bad time, sometimes, and maybe most times, just sitting with them is the best thing you could possibly do.